#worldbipolarday #mentalhealthawareness

Hello everyone 🙂 This time I wrote a different thing and it was quite difficult to write because it’s about something many people are not familiar with. I want to disclose something deeply personal about my life. I wrote this not to get attention or sympathy. I just want to share hope for someone out there who is struggling with bipolar or other mental health issues, that you are not alone and you can get through this.

Before I write more, first I want to say Happy World Bipolar Day 2020 to every bipolar survivor and caregiver in the world. I write this for you. There is hope for us. So this is my writing, about Bipolar Disorder and my personal story.

What is Bipolar Disorder?

Bipolar disorder is a mental illness that causes unusual shifts in a person’s mood, energy, and ability to think clearly. People with bipolar experience high (mania or hypomania) and low moods (depression). If left untreated, bipolar disorder usually worsens. However, with a good treatment plan including psychotherapy, medications, a healthy lifestyle, a regular schedule, and early identification of symptoms, many people live well with the condition.

What cause Bipolar Disorder?

Hormonal problems: Hormonal imbalances might trigger or cause bipolar disorder. Environmental factors: Abuse, mental stress, a “significant loss,” or some other traumatic event may contribute to or trigger bipolar disorder. It can be caused by physical conditions also such as experiencing damage to the brain. But many other factors also can cause bipolar disorder.

Bipolar Disorder and my personal story

Since I was a kid I used to face difficulties in my life and I didn’t give up even though my family and I had so many problems. Until 2019 my life is good and maybe people see that my life is perfect. I have good work, I’m doing ministry and even becoming a leader for an organization. I like it and I do enjoy my life.

I am trying to live my life productively. I become more discipline by managing my time better. I eat healthy food even do jogging and make sure to have enough sleep every day. I also do self-development by reading 1 book every month. I really enjoy doing those things to maximize my life. But, in September last year, I experienced something difficult to understand. for 1 month I couldn’t sleep well, even though I can sleep, while I was sleeping I had so many dreams and so many thoughts in my mind. It made me couldn’t sleep every night.

Another symptom I experienced was losing energy. Even when in the morning I feel so tired already. I didn’t have the motivation and energy to do my work. Concentration at work became so difficult. And the worst is I lost my appetite so I lost weight. Besides that my mood was terrible. Suddenly I felt very sad and depressed, I cried for a very long time. My mind is full of negative thinking that caused a desire to hurt myself or did suicide.

“One month in this condition made me feel exhausted. I couldn’t handle it anymore, it must be something wrong with me. Then I decided to visit my doctor, she is a pretty and kind doctor. I was confused but she helped me to find out what I feel. Then she recommended I see a psychiatrist to be treated well. That was my first time seeing a psychiatrist. I feel confused and afraid. I decided to come alone because I feel shy if people will think that I’m crazy because I come to see a psychiatrist. But after I met him, actually the psychiatrist is really kind. While we talk he didn’t judge me or made me feel under pressure. He is so friendly and he helps me in my recovery process.

In the beginning, the doctor diagnosed me with depression. But after 3 months of treatment, he said that my depression is just one of the symptoms and the diagnosis was I am having bipolar disorder mixed type. We have a long way to treatment including medication and therapy. Besides the treatment with the psychiatrist, I also talk to a psychologist. I meet her every week and she helps me so much.

What it’s like to live with Bipolar Disorder?

Before I experienced this I didn’t even know about mental disorders. But now I know it’s really hard to live with a mental disorder. Bipolar Disorder affects all parts of my life. It’s not easy living with unpredictable moods like a roller coaster. I feel like living an unsure life. During my first 2 months of having Bipolar Disorder, I denied my condition. I didn’t have reason to live anymore, it feels like I’d died already.

The challenges from within have been so great, plus the negative stigmas of the people around me also add to my pressure. First I told the people closest to me about my situation, I was seen as lacking faith, lack of prayer, or just because I haven’t forgiven someone. Other stigmas that circulate in the community, make me feel labeled or judged by my environment. It makes me more depressed and shut down. Plus if I hear other people making mental disorders into jokes, I was very upset because it was a very painful and difficult thing to experience, but they’re laughing easily about it. But after I accepted my condition of having bipolar disorder mixed type, I feel better. I’m also grateful the more here the people closest to me are also increasingly accepting me and supporting me. The support and love they provided gave me hope and strength to recover soon and moreover made me not give up.

Why should hide?

For months I hid from people around me. I don’t want them to know that I have Bipolar disorder. But hiding something and pretending that I’m okay actually consumes more of my energy and my focus.  It makes me so tired. So instead of me hiding, I’d better be open so I can focus more on my recovery. Up to what people are saying. I don’t care if I have to lose my job or friends because they know I have bipolar disorder.

I need to be brave enough to open this up because as a leader I am afraid that the people I lead will feel disappointed if they know their leader has a mental disorder.  But the urge in my heart is getting bigger to be open. I prefer to be known as a leader who in all of my weaknesses, imperfections, and limitations, yet not give up on my responsibility, because of God who gives me strength.

Another thing that drives me to be open is that I want to spread awareness of the importance of mental health.  I didn’t know much about mental health in the past and only focused on my physical and spiritual health. Until I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder mixed type, I realized that I had not cared for my mental health.  So for everyone, don’t wait to be sick like me. Take care of your mental health from now on. Do things that are fun for you to relieve stress. Don’t hesitate to talk with your family, friends, or mentors if you have a problem.  Even if you have to talk to a psychologist it’s a good thing, it’s not strange or shows that you are weak.

In addition, I also want to encourage everyone out there who has been suffering in silence, hiding behind their smiles even though their soul struggles in pain. You are not alone, friend. Come out, get help. Don’t close yourself to the help and love of those around you. Experiencing depression, anxiety disorders, or other mental disorders is natural for our bodies just like catching a cold or suffering from a fever. So it’s only natural that we also need to see a doctor and seek help for our mental health. It doesn’t mean that we do not believe in or do not rely on God.

There is HOPE when we believe

People often ask, do people with bipolar disorder can be cured? There are many people and mental health practitioners who say they cannot be cured but can recover. I believe that I can recover. I believe in faith that this condition is only temporary and that God is working in everything to bring goodness. For all Bipolar Survivors, let’s continue to believe and continue hope, we can definitely recover. This hope is our strength and hope does not disappoint. For all caregivers, thank you for not giving up on us. Thank you for caring and accepting us for who we are. Please believe that all the love you give, and all the patience you show us, will not be in vain 🙂

Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.

Rom 5 : 3-5, NIV

Hope never disappointed

*Photographs by Daniel.

I would love to hear similar stories to share and strengthen. Or please let me know if you have questions, comments, or input. Don’t hesitate to write in the comments.   Thank you for reading and visiting this blog 🙂

Read my previous post here.